Fear

I am afraid
that when this ordeal is over
it will finally be over
and I am afraid
forgiveness I might not be able to give
that easily.
When at last I will take a stand
I am afraid
I will disappear
from your presence
forever.

Faraway

I am here
yet
I am
far
far
far
faraway.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it is not just about who you love
but about who loves you the most when you are feeling a little less loved.

Sometimes it is not just about who you care
but about who cares the most when you do not.

Sometimes it is not just about that someone wanting you
but about who wants you knowing that you want someone else.

Sometimes it is not just about being with a person you are used to
but about who is there even if you are not used to being with.

Sometimes it is not just about love
but it is also about friendship, respect and laughter.

Sometimes all it takes is a little less love,
a little less of virtues, a little less expectations
to patch a wound, to heal, to start anew.

A Siopao and A Coke

I was seventeen or eighteen and he was twenty five.
I was auditioning for a radio stint
and it was his voice I heard telling me that I passed.
He was mentoring me and I was nervous all the time.
He would drop the needle and play the music
and my young heart skipped every time.
I knew then that I had to break up with my first
as phone calls and love letters and stuffed toys
just did not do the trick any longer.
For the first time in my life, I have hurt someone's feelings
I felt guilty but I knew in my heart it was for the best.
The Man became my little unknown world
and every baby step I took I took with caution
and with so much gusto.
Filled the newsroom with gifts and flowers
but with the little notes and the sweet gestures
he made me feel like a woman.
My biggest decision was to spend one new year's eve with him
because I knew then that whatever happens
it will be because we have consented to it.
Acting out on an emotion was just too exciting
and scary at the same time.
We were in his car that night by the beach.
No fireworks. No one else was there.
Sitting next to him wrapped around his warmth
I felt contentment. I felt shielded.
I did not wish to be anywhere else.

He and the rest moved to another radio station
I preferred to stay.
There was still so much to learn.
We still met every night before my curfew.
Different feelings every time.
Till one day, a friend of ours told me
the story of a coke and a siopao.

I was an object of a bet.
He gets me, the friend will treat him a coke and a siopao.
He doesn't, he will treat the friend the same.
They both did not get the price for their bet.
For I was neither his nor was he able to "get" me.
Young and gullible as I was,
he just showed me kindness and persuaded me with sheer sweetness.
I was much obliged.

Then came another story.
This time, from him.
The ex was pregnant and it was his.
I simply asked, how did that happen?
but I did not want to know.

I heard him on the radio
played me the song,
"Waiting for a Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl
he said for his little princess
and I heard my heart break for the first time.

It has been many years now
and the story of the coke and a siopao
remains in my heart.
But we remained friends.

I saw him again last year
and after late lunch and coffee with another friend
I moved to ask if I could kiss him.
Just one harmless kiss
so I will not have to wander about thinking
what was it like to kiss The Man.
He leaned forward, bent a little
and we kissed.
He said he is married and with two kids.
I said I was only stealing a kiss.
He thought I was getting back
for the siopao and the coke,
and I simply said no that was just for me.
He never dared to kiss me then
back when i was young and gullible
fearing I'd break
for I was just to him, a budding flower.

We met again recently
under different circumstances.
Things changed and I like it.