A Butterfly

"Manang, I wanna see a beautiful butterfly next year, okay?", a very dear friend's birthday wish that got me feeling blessed and lucky despite everything that has happened to me in the last 5 years.

She is the surprise gift I have never expected to come into my life.

A few days ago I felt a bit sad, perhaps I was just having the birthday blues, or maybe I was slipping in a melancholic mood knowing that I am relocating soon in a foreign land with no one to turn to as I settle in.

I could not speak of it less I be accused of being emotional again, so I just simply act and speak unkindly and at times rudely to those who come near me so no one sees what's boiling inside me.


I am at peace venturing on this journey knowing that I have this opportunity to make myself better and then paying it forward, though in my heart of hearts I feel that I won't be missed and that is alright but the messianic complex in me speaks softly that I am not needed here anymore and strangely I find that heartbreaking.

Yesterday, I met up with a dear friend, my confidant, my shock absorber, the one who listens to me when no one would, who lifts me up when it feels the world is heavy upon my shoulder. The one who never stops encouraging me even when I have already given up on my dreams, who keeps nagging me that I should pack up some law books and still review for the bar, even when I have already given up on that.

Her confidence in me is so overwhelming that she has actually convinced me that I still deserve another chance, one shot at the bar before finally waving the white flag.

Today and 365 days from now, I will throw my cares to the wind, to heal, and to learn to appreciate myself more, and love myself first.

To Manang, I will not promise I will be better but I will try my very best to be good, to smell the flower, to take my time to appreciate the simplest of things, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be kind, and to choose to love, to give less of myself and receive more for myself, and then hopefully I will be better eventually, and actually turn into the butterfly you wish me to be.

I could not thank you enough, but thank you for accepting me for who and what I am when no one is watching, for making me love the very person that I am. Love you always and I will be missing you more. When you want to hear ghost stories, you can find me in my zoo :-)

I wish to share a beautifully written note from My Manang...

Manang, I wanna see a very beautiful butterfly next year okay? Go through the process Manang,
caterpillar= you now; eating of leaves=experiences in India;
turning into a cocoon=realizations, let them sink in-you have all the alone time you need;
emerging of a butterfly=the best manang, ready to spread her wings!

Happy birthday Manang! This year will be your year, your chance to get to know your true self and to shine is finally here. Make the best out of this rare opportunity. I will be missing you a lot but I am definite that after a year, when we meet again, you will be a happy, fulfilled and contented Terri. I love you manang, always remember that you are loved by many. Mwah! take care always!

(for JMTE)