After pouring my heart out to someone about something and someone else,
and finding out a friendly tolerance between them,
I am brought back again to a certain point in my life very recently,
when I fell victim of my own naive trust-giving self.
I still carry that torch,
and yes, I have an issue with trust.
For someone who has been bruised and betrayed,
trust is something of utmost importance,
as if her dear life is dependent on it.
My heart breaks easily,
when without a shadow of a doubt
trust is given and is broken so easily.
I could not quite grasp it,
which part of the "healing process" I earnestly confessed
was not understood?
From someone more experienced,
who has been in the pit as I am,
whom I have known because of trust itself,
have me feeling this empty.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Lately
I find myself smiling lately.
The caring words,
the way you make me laugh,
the funny faces,
the thoughtful smiles
and the warm hellos.
I can hear the beat.
I could dance.
Now I have something to look forward to everyday.
Yes I am smiling a lot lately.
It is all because you make me.
The caring words,
the way you make me laugh,
the funny faces,
the thoughtful smiles
and the warm hellos.
I can hear the beat.
I could dance.
Now I have something to look forward to everyday.
Yes I am smiling a lot lately.
It is all because you make me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Cloud That Was A Dream
Sitting still in a faraway land, thinking about the life I have left behind, I have come this far to stop and listen.
Silence can be deafening and yet I hear it and it is pounding my head.
A shattered dream I can actually hear but too numb to even feel.
I was once young and undaunted, unafraid to face the world in the hopes of living a dream.
Somewhere I have lost the power to steer the wind that blows the energy that comes with youth.
Somewhere I have stumbled and the fall was too painful I have not forgiven myself.
I was lost and found myself again and ran away.
The cycle was becoming vicious and I lost all control.
I lost the grip but still I held on for my dear life, for the sake of those who do not know me and yet love me unconditionally.
The cloud was too heavy and it followed my every move.
The torch I have been carrying for far too long is crippling me beyond reasons.
Yet, I held on.
I have come to this faraway land, in the hopes of healing and finding myself.
I have not been here too long, and I heard the news that struck a lightning unto that cloud.
The familiarity of it is without a doubt shaking me inside.
I am drowning and I feel like giving up makes it easier.
Yet why does it feel so heavy to give it up?
Is it because I have exerted so much effort and so much time that I forgot who I really am and what I want to be?
But that is who I am and that is what I want to be.
It hurts me that I cannot look pass the pain and try again.
I have reached that stage when I have to make calculated steps with my indecisions.
But in my heart of hearts I can.
If only I can forgive myself. If only I can find the strength to be patient. If only I can.
Silence can be deafening and yet I hear it and it is pounding my head.
A shattered dream I can actually hear but too numb to even feel.
I was once young and undaunted, unafraid to face the world in the hopes of living a dream.
Somewhere I have lost the power to steer the wind that blows the energy that comes with youth.
Somewhere I have stumbled and the fall was too painful I have not forgiven myself.
I was lost and found myself again and ran away.
The cycle was becoming vicious and I lost all control.
I lost the grip but still I held on for my dear life, for the sake of those who do not know me and yet love me unconditionally.
The cloud was too heavy and it followed my every move.
The torch I have been carrying for far too long is crippling me beyond reasons.
Yet, I held on.
I have come to this faraway land, in the hopes of healing and finding myself.
I have not been here too long, and I heard the news that struck a lightning unto that cloud.
The familiarity of it is without a doubt shaking me inside.
I am drowning and I feel like giving up makes it easier.
Yet why does it feel so heavy to give it up?
Is it because I have exerted so much effort and so much time that I forgot who I really am and what I want to be?
But that is who I am and that is what I want to be.
It hurts me that I cannot look pass the pain and try again.
I have reached that stage when I have to make calculated steps with my indecisions.
But in my heart of hearts I can.
If only I can forgive myself. If only I can find the strength to be patient. If only I can.
Sleepwalk
In slumber
fervent and soothing
when hope can seem endless
or otherwise stale,
I find myself awake.
The realities of the waking
are nothing more than that of the dreaming.
Caught in between
with the weight of the pains inside,
I walk the earth with an invisible cane.
And what of the path
narrow and steep,
I must keep walking
for no reason at all.
And I find that crippling beyond all reasons
beyond imagining
beyond all of mind's escapes.
fervent and soothing
when hope can seem endless
or otherwise stale,
I find myself awake.
The realities of the waking
are nothing more than that of the dreaming.
Caught in between
with the weight of the pains inside,
I walk the earth with an invisible cane.
And what of the path
narrow and steep,
I must keep walking
for no reason at all.
And I find that crippling beyond all reasons
beyond imagining
beyond all of mind's escapes.
Neverwhere
It is not easy to watch other people live their dreams.
It is even harder living a dream not yours but someone else's.
Looking back, I had a few of my own.
I was younger, undaunted and unafraid.
I had the world on my feet.
Now all I am is nothing but a dreamer.
A wanderlust, a vagabond.
I just cannot seem to touch the ground.
I am hurting that I have failed to live the dreams I have grown to believe are my own.
I hurt even more realizing that dreams are not mine for the dreaming.
The pendulum sways and that is all there is to it.
I am here but I am not there.
I just simply exist.
I envy those who have dreams for dreams keep them going.
and I
am neverwhere.
It is even harder living a dream not yours but someone else's.
Looking back, I had a few of my own.
I was younger, undaunted and unafraid.
I had the world on my feet.
Now all I am is nothing but a dreamer.
A wanderlust, a vagabond.
I just cannot seem to touch the ground.
I am hurting that I have failed to live the dreams I have grown to believe are my own.
I hurt even more realizing that dreams are not mine for the dreaming.
The pendulum sways and that is all there is to it.
I am here but I am not there.
I just simply exist.
I envy those who have dreams for dreams keep them going.
and I
am neverwhere.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
My Independence Day
Today I am saying goodbye to you.
Though I must admit
there is a twinge deep within the recesses of my being.
But you are one of the reasons why I took a leave of absence
from my day to day existence
in the life I have been so comfortably sheltered.
Today, you do not mean the world to me,
not anymore.
As I clumsily search for life's deeper meaning
you definitely no longer have a place
in my heart.
I must admit though that I have subjected myself
to willingly wait and suffer for this love unrequited
but I cannot stand still
not anymore.
The ride with you was definitely worth the fall,
but I must pick up the pieces now
and stand up again, not for you,
no, not even for someone else,
but there is this person I have to love more now,
this is why today, I declare it to be my independence day.
Today is my independence day.
Free from you, free from my fears of tomorrow, free from loving no one else,
but me, myself and I.
Goodbye to you.
The memories will surely linger,
but that is all there is to it,
nothing else matters now.
Though I must admit
there is a twinge deep within the recesses of my being.
But you are one of the reasons why I took a leave of absence
from my day to day existence
in the life I have been so comfortably sheltered.
Today, you do not mean the world to me,
not anymore.
As I clumsily search for life's deeper meaning
you definitely no longer have a place
in my heart.
I must admit though that I have subjected myself
to willingly wait and suffer for this love unrequited
but I cannot stand still
not anymore.
The ride with you was definitely worth the fall,
but I must pick up the pieces now
and stand up again, not for you,
no, not even for someone else,
but there is this person I have to love more now,
this is why today, I declare it to be my independence day.
Today is my independence day.
Free from you, free from my fears of tomorrow, free from loving no one else,
but me, myself and I.
Goodbye to you.
The memories will surely linger,
but that is all there is to it,
nothing else matters now.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Journeying On
Today I have just received the confirmation
that I am indeed taking on this journey
in a faraway land
where new hopes can be build
and wounds can be healed.
All of the possibilities
and all of the uncertainties
would form part of my new journey
and with these I hope to keep myself grounded,
so that I can be a better version of myself eventually.
A new found friend said,
nothing can better prepare me more than being actually there.
An old friend wished me to become a butterfly,
to experience the possibilities and the uncertainties,
so that I could come back home beautifully.
I have been warned of the hardships
and everything else but the easy.
I hope that the hot summer days there
could melt the coldness in me.
And I hope the cold winter days there
could warm my otherwise stale mind.
And what of the heart?
who knows what the heart can learn,
and though it can be controlling
some things can tame it too.
Eventually is even better than actually.
At the start of this journeying on
while I am at the end of my preparation to leave,
I pray that I will be able to touch the lives of the people
I will be serving through sharing of my skills while in placement.
they will, definitely touch mine.
that I am indeed taking on this journey
in a faraway land
where new hopes can be build
and wounds can be healed.
All of the possibilities
and all of the uncertainties
would form part of my new journey
and with these I hope to keep myself grounded,
so that I can be a better version of myself eventually.
A new found friend said,
nothing can better prepare me more than being actually there.
An old friend wished me to become a butterfly,
to experience the possibilities and the uncertainties,
so that I could come back home beautifully.
I have been warned of the hardships
and everything else but the easy.
I hope that the hot summer days there
could melt the coldness in me.
And I hope the cold winter days there
could warm my otherwise stale mind.
And what of the heart?
who knows what the heart can learn,
and though it can be controlling
some things can tame it too.
Eventually is even better than actually.
At the start of this journeying on
while I am at the end of my preparation to leave,
I pray that I will be able to touch the lives of the people
I will be serving through sharing of my skills while in placement.
they will, definitely touch mine.
An Itch
There is a part of me that wants to keep holding on
a greater part of me that wants to let go,
and then there is this itch too distracting to ignore.
It all started with a smile.
Late night text exchanges till the break of dawn.
Drawn to really listen or was it all about that impish smile.
But whatever it was that got you near me,
You had me listening and you had me really take a good look at you.
I saw you. I saw through you. I even met the other side of you.
It was one hell of a joy ride.
The complications, the distractions, the bitterness, the loneliness and the joys
the ride with you was worth the fall.
It was not very long but it was worth a thousand years of life's lessons learned.
In my heart of hearts I know I have come full circle,
but I could not help myself with one more wish.
I wish that we had not been what we became
so we could (have) become what we were supposed to be
because we would have been better.
There are those who are better friends than lovers
and those that are better lovers than friends,
we are the former.
Now, I fear I am losing you because we failed at both.
But I am afraid even more because I might be losing you because I want to
and not because I have to.
There is a valuable lesson I have learned
and I shall take it with me as I journey on.
I have you to thank for this lesson.
There is an itch too distracting to ignore,
but as I succumb to it
I feel restful and satisfied.
a greater part of me that wants to let go,
and then there is this itch too distracting to ignore.
It all started with a smile.
Late night text exchanges till the break of dawn.
Drawn to really listen or was it all about that impish smile.
But whatever it was that got you near me,
You had me listening and you had me really take a good look at you.
I saw you. I saw through you. I even met the other side of you.
It was one hell of a joy ride.
The complications, the distractions, the bitterness, the loneliness and the joys
the ride with you was worth the fall.
It was not very long but it was worth a thousand years of life's lessons learned.
In my heart of hearts I know I have come full circle,
but I could not help myself with one more wish.
I wish that we had not been what we became
so we could (have) become what we were supposed to be
because we would have been better.
There are those who are better friends than lovers
and those that are better lovers than friends,
we are the former.
Now, I fear I am losing you because we failed at both.
But I am afraid even more because I might be losing you because I want to
and not because I have to.
There is a valuable lesson I have learned
and I shall take it with me as I journey on.
I have you to thank for this lesson.
There is an itch too distracting to ignore,
but as I succumb to it
I feel restful and satisfied.
Words
It was the way you dress up that caught my attention.
You had me listening because you were good with words.
Words always get me.
I am not sure though what it is this time.
One thing is for sure though,
I may find you interesting and I may be drawn into you,
but I would definitely choose to be a friend more than anything else.
Words.
Just words.
You had me listening because you were good with words.
Words always get me.
I am not sure though what it is this time.
One thing is for sure though,
I may find you interesting and I may be drawn into you,
but I would definitely choose to be a friend more than anything else.
Words.
Just words.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Butterfly
"Manang, I wanna see a beautiful butterfly next year, okay?", a very dear friend's birthday wish that got me feeling blessed and lucky despite everything that has happened to me in the last 5 years.
She is the surprise gift I have never expected to come into my life.
A few days ago I felt a bit sad, perhaps I was just having the birthday blues, or maybe I was slipping in a melancholic mood knowing that I am relocating soon in a foreign land with no one to turn to as I settle in.
I could not speak of it less I be accused of being emotional again, so I just simply act and speak unkindly and at times rudely to those who come near me so no one sees what's boiling inside me.
I am at peace venturing on this journey knowing that I have this opportunity to make myself better and then paying it forward, though in my heart of hearts I feel that I won't be missed and that is alright but the messianic complex in me speaks softly that I am not needed here anymore and strangely I find that heartbreaking.
Yesterday, I met up with a dear friend, my confidant, my shock absorber, the one who listens to me when no one would, who lifts me up when it feels the world is heavy upon my shoulder. The one who never stops encouraging me even when I have already given up on my dreams, who keeps nagging me that I should pack up some law books and still review for the bar, even when I have already given up on that.
Her confidence in me is so overwhelming that she has actually convinced me that I still deserve another chance, one shot at the bar before finally waving the white flag.
Today and 365 days from now, I will throw my cares to the wind, to heal, and to learn to appreciate myself more, and love myself first.
To Manang, I will not promise I will be better but I will try my very best to be good, to smell the flower, to take my time to appreciate the simplest of things, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be kind, and to choose to love, to give less of myself and receive more for myself, and then hopefully I will be better eventually, and actually turn into the butterfly you wish me to be.
I could not thank you enough, but thank you for accepting me for who and what I am when no one is watching, for making me love the very person that I am. Love you always and I will be missing you more. When you want to hear ghost stories, you can find me in my zoo :-)
I wish to share a beautifully written note from My Manang...
Manang, I wanna see a very beautiful butterfly next year okay? Go through the process Manang,
caterpillar= you now; eating of leaves=experiences in India;
turning into a cocoon=realizations, let them sink in-you have all the alone time you need;
emerging of a butterfly=the best manang, ready to spread her wings!
Happy birthday Manang! This year will be your year, your chance to get to know your true self and to shine is finally here. Make the best out of this rare opportunity. I will be missing you a lot but I am definite that after a year, when we meet again, you will be a happy, fulfilled and contented Terri. I love you manang, always remember that you are loved by many. Mwah! take care always!
(for JMTE)
She is the surprise gift I have never expected to come into my life.
A few days ago I felt a bit sad, perhaps I was just having the birthday blues, or maybe I was slipping in a melancholic mood knowing that I am relocating soon in a foreign land with no one to turn to as I settle in.
I could not speak of it less I be accused of being emotional again, so I just simply act and speak unkindly and at times rudely to those who come near me so no one sees what's boiling inside me.
I am at peace venturing on this journey knowing that I have this opportunity to make myself better and then paying it forward, though in my heart of hearts I feel that I won't be missed and that is alright but the messianic complex in me speaks softly that I am not needed here anymore and strangely I find that heartbreaking.
Yesterday, I met up with a dear friend, my confidant, my shock absorber, the one who listens to me when no one would, who lifts me up when it feels the world is heavy upon my shoulder. The one who never stops encouraging me even when I have already given up on my dreams, who keeps nagging me that I should pack up some law books and still review for the bar, even when I have already given up on that.
Her confidence in me is so overwhelming that she has actually convinced me that I still deserve another chance, one shot at the bar before finally waving the white flag.
Today and 365 days from now, I will throw my cares to the wind, to heal, and to learn to appreciate myself more, and love myself first.
To Manang, I will not promise I will be better but I will try my very best to be good, to smell the flower, to take my time to appreciate the simplest of things, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be kind, and to choose to love, to give less of myself and receive more for myself, and then hopefully I will be better eventually, and actually turn into the butterfly you wish me to be.
I could not thank you enough, but thank you for accepting me for who and what I am when no one is watching, for making me love the very person that I am. Love you always and I will be missing you more. When you want to hear ghost stories, you can find me in my zoo :-)
I wish to share a beautifully written note from My Manang...
Manang, I wanna see a very beautiful butterfly next year okay? Go through the process Manang,
caterpillar= you now; eating of leaves=experiences in India;
turning into a cocoon=realizations, let them sink in-you have all the alone time you need;
emerging of a butterfly=the best manang, ready to spread her wings!
Happy birthday Manang! This year will be your year, your chance to get to know your true self and to shine is finally here. Make the best out of this rare opportunity. I will be missing you a lot but I am definite that after a year, when we meet again, you will be a happy, fulfilled and contented Terri. I love you manang, always remember that you are loved by many. Mwah! take care always!
(for JMTE)
Monday, June 07, 2010
A Good Deed
Last night I became a recipient of a good deed from a stranger. I had no extra money to give as tip to the Taxi driver of plate number TWT816, so now I vow to pay it forward to another stranger.
I won't be telling what good deed I would be paying forward to someone else because it will cease to be a good deed.
I am just going to share the experience as it made me feel good and hope that it will encourage you to still believe in the goodness of everyone, no matter how small the value, or how irrelevant it may seem.
A good deed is a good deed worthy to be mentioned and acknowledged.
I have had this cough for almost a month now, and it is becoming productive, and the bad relapse of my sinusitis make my breathing hard. My doctor prescribed some over the counter medicines as this may be astmatic bronchitis. Worried it may worsen before my departure to India or that it may indeed become worse in India because of the change in temperature, I used the last of my pocket money (after giving my share of the bills) to buy the medicines that I have to take for a week.
My roommate and I went to the mall to pay the bills, withdrew the last of my savings, and bought the meds. The total cost was 729.50 php. This was not part of my budget, but I thought that if I could buy a pack of cigarettes a day, that is just 3 weeks of smoking money, and it is now taking its toll on me. We passed by the supermarket then took the taxi back to the apartment. Stopping near the gate I gave the driver 500 pesos bill and he quickly returned the exact change of 450 pesos. I said my usual "salamat po" and then alighted.
We prepared for dinner and chatted away. Later on at dinner, I have realized my meds were not with me and that I must have left them in the taxi. I felt bad because I really do not have the extra money to buy again as I have to save what little money I have for my fare to attend the training for my voluntary service overseas assignment.
What can one do under the circumstance but sleep things off. As I prepared to go to bed, Barrister my dog was barking loudly which usually means the irritating sound of the buzzer at the gate. My roommate went down to check. She returned with my meds. Apparently, the taxi driver asked those manning the water station near the gate to locate us so he could return the medicines dahil baka kailangan. He returned and went out of his way to give me back my medicines.
I felt undeserving of the good deed because I must have acquired this bad cough and cold from smoking and living an unhealthy lifestyle anyway, and I did not even give him a tip. But it made me feel good about myself somehow thinking that I must have done something right as well to deserve the kindness. I was not able to thank him personally so I vow to pay it forward, and maybe, just maybe, I must consider it a sign to quit smoking.
But then, this is not about me, this is dedicated to Manong Driver of the Taxi with plate number TWT816, maraming salamat po at sana makasakay uli ako sa inyo para kayo ay mapasalamatan.
I won't be telling what good deed I would be paying forward to someone else because it will cease to be a good deed.
I am just going to share the experience as it made me feel good and hope that it will encourage you to still believe in the goodness of everyone, no matter how small the value, or how irrelevant it may seem.
A good deed is a good deed worthy to be mentioned and acknowledged.
I have had this cough for almost a month now, and it is becoming productive, and the bad relapse of my sinusitis make my breathing hard. My doctor prescribed some over the counter medicines as this may be astmatic bronchitis. Worried it may worsen before my departure to India or that it may indeed become worse in India because of the change in temperature, I used the last of my pocket money (after giving my share of the bills) to buy the medicines that I have to take for a week.
My roommate and I went to the mall to pay the bills, withdrew the last of my savings, and bought the meds. The total cost was 729.50 php. This was not part of my budget, but I thought that if I could buy a pack of cigarettes a day, that is just 3 weeks of smoking money, and it is now taking its toll on me. We passed by the supermarket then took the taxi back to the apartment. Stopping near the gate I gave the driver 500 pesos bill and he quickly returned the exact change of 450 pesos. I said my usual "salamat po" and then alighted.
We prepared for dinner and chatted away. Later on at dinner, I have realized my meds were not with me and that I must have left them in the taxi. I felt bad because I really do not have the extra money to buy again as I have to save what little money I have for my fare to attend the training for my voluntary service overseas assignment.
What can one do under the circumstance but sleep things off. As I prepared to go to bed, Barrister my dog was barking loudly which usually means the irritating sound of the buzzer at the gate. My roommate went down to check. She returned with my meds. Apparently, the taxi driver asked those manning the water station near the gate to locate us so he could return the medicines dahil baka kailangan. He returned and went out of his way to give me back my medicines.
I felt undeserving of the good deed because I must have acquired this bad cough and cold from smoking and living an unhealthy lifestyle anyway, and I did not even give him a tip. But it made me feel good about myself somehow thinking that I must have done something right as well to deserve the kindness. I was not able to thank him personally so I vow to pay it forward, and maybe, just maybe, I must consider it a sign to quit smoking.
But then, this is not about me, this is dedicated to Manong Driver of the Taxi with plate number TWT816, maraming salamat po at sana makasakay uli ako sa inyo para kayo ay mapasalamatan.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Day I Fell InLove With My Bestfriend
We were never cut out for relationships because we were too proud to be independent.
We were comforted by the fact that we never have to be alone in the first place because we had each other.
We get by. We manage. We move along just fine.
You had your life and I had mine, and when we stopped, we had each other and we talked, and talked some more.
You enjoyed the company of your friends doing the things not most of us can do at that time, but for some reasons even you could not explain, you found my company no matter how boring and dull and quiet, absolutely comforting.
You told me that really I am just a girl wanting to be needed and in need to be wanted, and compared me to a shell.
That being tough on the outside is just my way of protecting what is on the inside.
I resented you for telling me the truth and I felt the twinge because deep down I knew then that I was already losing a piece of me for letting you in and letting my guard down.
I remember that day you grabbed me close to you not wanting to let me go and you kissed me, and I let you.
I completely surrendered.
I only pulled away when I realized what it meant.
The day I fell in love with you was the day I lost my bestfriend.
I miss you. I miss talking to you and with you.
I miss the notes we passed to each other everyday.
I miss arguing with you. I miss you. I really do.
We were comforted by the fact that we never have to be alone in the first place because we had each other.
We get by. We manage. We move along just fine.
You had your life and I had mine, and when we stopped, we had each other and we talked, and talked some more.
You enjoyed the company of your friends doing the things not most of us can do at that time, but for some reasons even you could not explain, you found my company no matter how boring and dull and quiet, absolutely comforting.
You told me that really I am just a girl wanting to be needed and in need to be wanted, and compared me to a shell.
That being tough on the outside is just my way of protecting what is on the inside.
I resented you for telling me the truth and I felt the twinge because deep down I knew then that I was already losing a piece of me for letting you in and letting my guard down.
I remember that day you grabbed me close to you not wanting to let me go and you kissed me, and I let you.
I completely surrendered.
I only pulled away when I realized what it meant.
The day I fell in love with you was the day I lost my bestfriend.
I miss you. I miss talking to you and with you.
I miss the notes we passed to each other everyday.
I miss arguing with you. I miss you. I really do.
Neverwhere
It is not easy to watch other people live their dreams.
It is even harder living a dream not yours but someone else's.
Looking back, I had a few of my own.
I was younger, undaunted and unafraid.
I had the world on my feet.
Now all I am is nothing but a dreamer.
A wanderlust, a vagabond.
I just cannot seem to touch the ground.
I am hurting that I have failed to live the dreams I have grown to believe are my own.
I hurt even more realizing that dreams are not mine for the dreaming.
The pendulum sways and that is all there is to it.
I am here but I am not there.
I just simply exist.
I envy those who have dreams for dreams keep them going.
and I
am neverwhere.
It is even harder living a dream not yours but someone else's.
Looking back, I had a few of my own.
I was younger, undaunted and unafraid.
I had the world on my feet.
Now all I am is nothing but a dreamer.
A wanderlust, a vagabond.
I just cannot seem to touch the ground.
I am hurting that I have failed to live the dreams I have grown to believe are my own.
I hurt even more realizing that dreams are not mine for the dreaming.
The pendulum sways and that is all there is to it.
I am here but I am not there.
I just simply exist.
I envy those who have dreams for dreams keep them going.
and I
am neverwhere.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sleepwalk
In slumber
fervent and soothing
when hope can seem endless
or otherwise stale,
I find myself awake.
The realities of the waking
are nothing more than that of the dreaming.
Caught in between
with the weight of the pains inside,
I walk the earth with an invisible cane.
And what of the path
narrow and steep,
I must keep walking
for no reason at all.
And I find that crippling beyond all reasons
beyond imagining
beyond all of mind's escapes.
fervent and soothing
when hope can seem endless
or otherwise stale,
I find myself awake.
The realities of the waking
are nothing more than that of the dreaming.
Caught in between
with the weight of the pains inside,
I walk the earth with an invisible cane.
And what of the path
narrow and steep,
I must keep walking
for no reason at all.
And I find that crippling beyond all reasons
beyond imagining
beyond all of mind's escapes.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Fear
I am afraid
that when this ordeal is over
it will finally be over
and I am afraid
forgiveness I might not be able to give
that easily.
When at last I will take a stand
I am afraid
I will disappear
from your presence
forever.
that when this ordeal is over
it will finally be over
and I am afraid
forgiveness I might not be able to give
that easily.
When at last I will take a stand
I am afraid
I will disappear
from your presence
forever.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Sometimes...
Sometimes it is not just about who you love
but about who loves you the most when you are feeling a little less loved.
Sometimes it is not just about who you care
but about who cares the most when you do not.
Sometimes it is not just about that someone wanting you
but about who wants you knowing that you want someone else.
Sometimes it is not just about being with a person you are used to
but about who is there even if you are not used to being with.
Sometimes it is not just about love
but it is also about friendship, respect and laughter.
Sometimes all it takes is a little less love,
a little less of virtues, a little less expectations
to patch a wound, to heal, to start anew.
but about who loves you the most when you are feeling a little less loved.
Sometimes it is not just about who you care
but about who cares the most when you do not.
Sometimes it is not just about that someone wanting you
but about who wants you knowing that you want someone else.
Sometimes it is not just about being with a person you are used to
but about who is there even if you are not used to being with.
Sometimes it is not just about love
but it is also about friendship, respect and laughter.
Sometimes all it takes is a little less love,
a little less of virtues, a little less expectations
to patch a wound, to heal, to start anew.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
A Siopao and A Coke
I was seventeen or eighteen and he was twenty five.
I was auditioning for a radio stint
and it was his voice I heard telling me that I passed.
He was mentoring me and I was nervous all the time.
He would drop the needle and play the music
and my young heart skipped every time.
I knew then that I had to break up with my first
as phone calls and love letters and stuffed toys
just did not do the trick any longer.
For the first time in my life, I have hurt someone's feelings
I felt guilty but I knew in my heart it was for the best.
The Man became my little unknown world
and every baby step I took I took with caution
and with so much gusto.
Filled the newsroom with gifts and flowers
but with the little notes and the sweet gestures
he made me feel like a woman.
My biggest decision was to spend one new year's eve with him
because I knew then that whatever happens
it will be because we have consented to it.
Acting out on an emotion was just too exciting
and scary at the same time.
We were in his car that night by the beach.
No fireworks. No one else was there.
Sitting next to him wrapped around his warmth
I felt contentment. I felt shielded.
I did not wish to be anywhere else.
He and the rest moved to another radio station
I preferred to stay.
There was still so much to learn.
We still met every night before my curfew.
Different feelings every time.
Till one day, a friend of ours told me
the story of a coke and a siopao.
I was an object of a bet.
He gets me, the friend will treat him a coke and a siopao.
He doesn't, he will treat the friend the same.
They both did not get the price for their bet.
For I was neither his nor was he able to "get" me.
Young and gullible as I was,
he just showed me kindness and persuaded me with sheer sweetness.
I was much obliged.
Then came another story.
This time, from him.
The ex was pregnant and it was his.
I simply asked, how did that happen?
but I did not want to know.
I heard him on the radio
played me the song,
"Waiting for a Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl
he said for his little princess
and I heard my heart break for the first time.
It has been many years now
and the story of the coke and a siopao
remains in my heart.
But we remained friends.
I saw him again last year
and after late lunch and coffee with another friend
I moved to ask if I could kiss him.
Just one harmless kiss
so I will not have to wander about thinking
what was it like to kiss The Man.
He leaned forward, bent a little
and we kissed.
He said he is married and with two kids.
I said I was only stealing a kiss.
He thought I was getting back
for the siopao and the coke,
and I simply said no that was just for me.
He never dared to kiss me then
back when i was young and gullible
fearing I'd break
for I was just to him, a budding flower.
We met again recently
under different circumstances.
Things changed and I like it.
I was auditioning for a radio stint
and it was his voice I heard telling me that I passed.
He was mentoring me and I was nervous all the time.
He would drop the needle and play the music
and my young heart skipped every time.
I knew then that I had to break up with my first
as phone calls and love letters and stuffed toys
just did not do the trick any longer.
For the first time in my life, I have hurt someone's feelings
I felt guilty but I knew in my heart it was for the best.
The Man became my little unknown world
and every baby step I took I took with caution
and with so much gusto.
Filled the newsroom with gifts and flowers
but with the little notes and the sweet gestures
he made me feel like a woman.
My biggest decision was to spend one new year's eve with him
because I knew then that whatever happens
it will be because we have consented to it.
Acting out on an emotion was just too exciting
and scary at the same time.
We were in his car that night by the beach.
No fireworks. No one else was there.
Sitting next to him wrapped around his warmth
I felt contentment. I felt shielded.
I did not wish to be anywhere else.
He and the rest moved to another radio station
I preferred to stay.
There was still so much to learn.
We still met every night before my curfew.
Different feelings every time.
Till one day, a friend of ours told me
the story of a coke and a siopao.
I was an object of a bet.
He gets me, the friend will treat him a coke and a siopao.
He doesn't, he will treat the friend the same.
They both did not get the price for their bet.
For I was neither his nor was he able to "get" me.
Young and gullible as I was,
he just showed me kindness and persuaded me with sheer sweetness.
I was much obliged.
Then came another story.
This time, from him.
The ex was pregnant and it was his.
I simply asked, how did that happen?
but I did not want to know.
I heard him on the radio
played me the song,
"Waiting for a Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl
he said for his little princess
and I heard my heart break for the first time.
It has been many years now
and the story of the coke and a siopao
remains in my heart.
But we remained friends.
I saw him again last year
and after late lunch and coffee with another friend
I moved to ask if I could kiss him.
Just one harmless kiss
so I will not have to wander about thinking
what was it like to kiss The Man.
He leaned forward, bent a little
and we kissed.
He said he is married and with two kids.
I said I was only stealing a kiss.
He thought I was getting back
for the siopao and the coke,
and I simply said no that was just for me.
He never dared to kiss me then
back when i was young and gullible
fearing I'd break
for I was just to him, a budding flower.
We met again recently
under different circumstances.
Things changed and I like it.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
For a Rose
It was a single dare that got us together. I was surprised to find myself comfortably enjoying times spent with you. We clicked. We danced the tide. We share moments of joy that pushed each other's sadness away. We found comfort in each other's misery, and we danced some more.
In our desperate attempt to forget, and beat the troubles down, we pushed it too hard and did the unthinkable, for as long as we were together. In that desolate place, we found our solace.
The good times spent came to an end as my realities were too grand to ignore, and I was left with no choice but to decide on what is best.
I did not leave you alone. I was just away for a while to chase a rainbow for whatever its worth. It took me a while to make up my mind but when I started packing, I knew then if I looked back I would have stopped myself. It was as if you heard my thoughts because you did not show up. No goodbyes, we promised.
I left with a heavy heart because you would be left alone, but I was comforted by the promises we have made and I did what I had to do.
Time flew and my return was met with sad realities, and once again, I forgot. I have forgotten why I left and why I have returned.
I have failed you as a friend. My best was not good enough, and I have not tried hard enough.
I am sorry.
I know things are not the same anymore, but I have faith that there will be better days, and that you will shine above it all.
you are a rose and these thorns will only make you stronger and better.
I am still here.
I have not gone that far.
I have forgiven you and I hope that you have forgiven me.
Forgiving myself would be the hardest part, but time heals all wounds.
No goodbyes. Only hellos.
In our desperate attempt to forget, and beat the troubles down, we pushed it too hard and did the unthinkable, for as long as we were together. In that desolate place, we found our solace.
The good times spent came to an end as my realities were too grand to ignore, and I was left with no choice but to decide on what is best.
I did not leave you alone. I was just away for a while to chase a rainbow for whatever its worth. It took me a while to make up my mind but when I started packing, I knew then if I looked back I would have stopped myself. It was as if you heard my thoughts because you did not show up. No goodbyes, we promised.
I left with a heavy heart because you would be left alone, but I was comforted by the promises we have made and I did what I had to do.
Time flew and my return was met with sad realities, and once again, I forgot. I have forgotten why I left and why I have returned.
I have failed you as a friend. My best was not good enough, and I have not tried hard enough.
I am sorry.
I know things are not the same anymore, but I have faith that there will be better days, and that you will shine above it all.
you are a rose and these thorns will only make you stronger and better.
I am still here.
I have not gone that far.
I have forgiven you and I hope that you have forgiven me.
Forgiving myself would be the hardest part, but time heals all wounds.
No goodbyes. Only hellos.
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