"Lenga" (A Bridal Dress)

She wore an elegant lenga, a bridal dress that is similar to a saree but it is less complicated . She looked stunningly beautiful in her Lenga, but there was something in her eyes, amidst the smile. It was not just about the Lenga for her, it was more about the responsibilities and duties of wearing the gorgeous dress. She smiled dutifully and carried the dress so elegantly but her smile troubled me.

She whispered to me, "look at my lipstick, I didn't even get to choose the color." She was being dolled up by her sisters in law earlier today for a belated reception of their December civil wedding.

She is a new acquaintance in Bhubaneswar, and because she was alone in this county for what is supposed to be the biggest event of her life, she phoned me and practically begged me to be with her, being a fellow Filipina, just so she can have a representative of her family and friends who are not able to make it here for this event.

She felt alone and lonely.

I did not have to ask why.

A wedding in my culture (or at least from the experiences of my friends) is all about the bride. From the wedding motif, font used for the invitations, down to the tiny bit of sequin used on the wedding dress, the bride gets to decide.

Not today though.

It was all about him. It was about presenting the bride to the groom's friends and family.

She carried her duties without complains, but I can feel the pain of loneliness whenever she puts on a smile. It was hard enough to speak in a foreign language. All she could do was smile.

Who am I to make my judgments. I was just witnessing a cultural fusion but I could not see a bit of Filipino in that reception today. I could not even see a bit of her individuality in that fabulous wedding reception. She did not even pick her own lipstick color.

She then told me in her own native tongue that she did fall in love with her groom but she never thought marriage entailed marrying an entire culture, and giving up hers along the way.

I felt like giving her a hug as I would to a younger sister, but in reality I do not have a sister and it was wrong for me to feel pity on her, because the last thing she needed was a fellow Filipina patronizing her.

I am not making any judgments. I just could not help myself but think about her smile and how painful her smile was.

In as much as I feel like opening up to a whole new idea of widening my horizons to open myself up to the whole idea of wanting to be a "new" me, I just could not imagine myself being in her position.

Falling in love is a beautiful thing I suppose, but marriage is simply not just about that.

I would like to think that I can change for the man I would choose to spend the rest of my life with, but I just could not bring myself to imagine giving up even my own individuality and losing myself somewhere between the thin line of falling in love and sealing it off.

How far can one go for a commitment?

What am I willing to give up for the sake of loving?

Is love really enough?

I cannot help it though that there are times when I wish I too can wear a "Lenga" or a wedding dress, but when I think of brides with a pained smile, I am certainly back to my own realities.

My friends and my family will just have to wait, hopefully not unto infinity though, when I am able and willing to give up my "running away" from a commitment of even a serious relationship minus the wedding.

Not yet.

Not for a while.

I Do (post valentine repost)

Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. Is that why it is also called jumping off?

Yesterday I had the chance to chat and have sugarless coffee with Uncle and Auntie, my landlord and landlady for the next 6 months of my stay here in India. They are such a lovely couple that I had a wishful thinking to add the kind of relationship they have in my wish list.

They showed me pictures of the places they have been around the world, telling me how they have managed to save up to spend for their retirement to lavish the beauty of the places they wanted to see.

As I browsed through the albums of photos from films which they have taken from their instamatic camera (which by the way they refuse to throw away in exchange for a digital one because they said it still serves its purpose), I have noticed Auntie beautifully photographed that I had to ask who took the photos. It was Uncle who took her beautiful photographs that showed her best assets. He brings out the best in her, even on rolls of films.

I wondered if theirs was a love or an arranged marriage.

I dared not to ask.

I did not have to because as I chatted the afternoon away with them, I knew then that it did not matter how it all started. Whether it was love at first, love marriage, or an arranged marriage, because in the end what matters the most is how they have managed to make the marriage work to still end up being together after all these years.

I left them with a smile in my heart knowing something can still go right.

Later in the evening I have received a facebook message from a dear friend about finally getting a divorce. I was shocked to have found out that this was what she wanted, but who am I to make my judgments. Still, I am glad to know that she is finally happy and free from the problems that almost brought her to rock bottom.

Today, I got the chance to look at photos of two dear friends from law school who finally made it to saying "I do". Exhibit 1 is out and they finally got hitched. The journey was quite dramatic, having canceled the wedding at the last minute the last time they had planned this wedding, but I have never doubted they would still end up together. Now this one is a classic. True love waits.

Now I wonder what does it take to make that commitment when you say "I do"? How far will you go for that commitment?

I guess the answers will just make things even more complicated than it seems. Maybe, just maybe, the key is to just seize the moment, live for the moment, and be happy while it lasts.

Misleading Definition

Someone recently asked me, "what's in a name?" I thought he was just picking my brain by quoting Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet's famous line, but it turns out he was explaining to me the effects of labels with the way we think or feel.

One act of kindness can define friendship, one blink of an eye can define fear, one kiss on the lips can lead to a thousand other meanings.

Why put a label? Why the need to define something as anything, and anything as something?

I guess there are two kinds of people who walk this earth, the one that drives and the one that is being driven. Some people are bound by these labels and definitions so they will know the boundaries, when to cross the line and when not to cross the line. They need things to be defined so they know if they can claim for it or not. Feelings are defined by emotions for how else can one react to something without knowing it for sure?

Then there are those people who are driven, not by the labels and definitions, but by taking moments. Those people who enjoy the freedom of fluidity, unguarded, unbound, and unbridled, taking moments after moments.

The thought of it is quite unnerving.

I could not answer that question with a straight face without feeling all gooey inside, because every time I feel like showing my dimples, I would like to call it a smile, every time I make a goofy face and a crazy person comes out of me I would like to call it laughter, and every time tears roll down my cheeks I would like to say that I am sad. I have gone through "taking moments" too, kissing goodbye to someone while the rain is pouring so that I could hide the tears, a walk by the beach just talking and not minding the time, eating chocolate chip cookies with friends while watching girl flicks, and I can go on and on.

Clearly, if I am to define myself then that is a misleading definition. I am who I am because of what I am.

Would a rose by any other name still be a rose?