Whirlwind

Chinese dinner, Bridesmaids and Wilson Phillips were three good reasons to cap off the last three whirlwind weeks. There are indeed some days when one goes through some highs and lows and sometimes one cannot help but succumb to the lows because it is easier. It is easier to be angry, to be sad and to be lonely. Having it easy can be a perfect excuse for not breaking the shackles, but as the Wilson Phillips song would say, things can change, things can go your way if you hold on for one more day.

I cannot dare say that things have changed and that things are certainly going my way now, but I would like to be open to that possibility.

My friend David had teased me that I have been in this whirlwind because of too much tv and that I have actually viewed my life as a punchline. We laughed. It is not just about the movie or the song or too much television, it is just that sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else what I already know in the back of my mind, or the tip of my tongue or in my heart of hearts.

That's what I love about my friends. They are just there despite the distance or the differences. One text, one phone call, a cup of coffee next, movies, unlimited popcorn, laughter and a nudge, and everything seems to be alright.

I have done tv marathon with another friend Minnette over Skype and it was really sweet.

Before Jayne had her baby we were still playing Garden of Time on Facebook and she still managed to send me text messages after her baby was born.

She is now ready to nurture and be a great mom and I am still growing up but she doesn't care.

I guess that's what friends are for. No more questions ask. Love is just given without questions ask unconditionally.

My eccentricities and my erratic state of mind and the drama make up for the person that I am and yet they are still there. I am too much to handle and regretfully some have decided I am simply that. I don't carry a torch and I respect that. I am simply glad that I am blessed with a few good friends.

So I am holding on for one more day so I get to thank my friends for not letting go of me despite my rough edges and the rough times.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I Blame the Pen

Who would want to run around in circles with their hearts on their sleeves?

Rushing to finish a job to meet a deadline I struggled miserably because after this, nothingness will be a constant companion and when there is nothing left to do my mind wanders around and I hate when that happens.

I was just about to write down some notes for the job I am working on but I could not find the pen that I was just playing around with my left fingers. I have literally turned this room upside down and still couldn't find it. I have searched the whole apartment which is just a box really. I broke down all of a sudden. The damn pen made me check each corner of my place and wherever I look, I see him.

It has been one hell of a week when I should have seen stars and rainbows in the sky.

I was afraid to come back here because I knew I was going to smell the scent he left here, and that I was going to see him in every corner.

I am never good at talking, much less, speaking my heart out. So I have managed to have blown my chances profoundly and miserably. I blame the pen. I blame the pen for making me look all over the place, to stop and pause, to search and find that which I did not wish to have found. I blame the pen for my being better at it on paper than opening my mouth and letting the voice out when the timing was right. I blame the pen for not being there when I needed it the most. I blame the pen for making me find that one person I never expected to have met when I went away to find myself again.

He was there and he was here. He was there and here for me. I was blindsided by my own vicious capacity of not knowing how to let my guards down. So I pretended not to see him. I pretended not to see through the bigger picture.

I allowed my fears to prevent me from submitting to a passion that one can only indulge for a moment. I blew it unwittingly and profoundly.

One week was all I had and I still managed to be the person that I am that I wish I am not in those times when I just want to live for the moment.

What I could have done differently was make every single moment like there was no tomorrow because indeed what we had was that.

Now all I have is the damn pen, to write what I needed to say but was not able to when I had my chances. It can be read but won't be heard, it won't be felt. It is never the same.

So there goes my pen and the man and what could have been.