Trust

After pouring my heart out to someone about something and someone else,
and finding out a friendly tolerance between them,
I am brought back again to a certain point in my life very recently,
when I fell victim of my own naive trust-giving self.

I still carry that torch,
and yes, I have an issue with trust.

For someone who has been bruised and betrayed,
trust is something of utmost importance,
as if her dear life is dependent on it.

My heart breaks easily,
when without a shadow of a doubt
trust is given and is broken so easily.

I could not quite grasp it,
which part of the "healing process" I earnestly confessed
was not understood?

From someone more experienced,
who has been in the pit as I am,
whom I have known because of trust itself,
have me feeling this empty.

Lately

I find myself smiling lately.

The caring words,

the way you make me laugh,

the funny faces,

the thoughtful smiles

and the warm hellos.

I can hear the beat.

I could dance.

Now I have something to look forward to everyday.

Yes I am smiling a lot lately.

It is all because you make me.

The Cloud That Was A Dream

Sitting still in a faraway land, thinking about the life I have left behind, I have come this far to stop and listen.

Silence can be deafening and yet I hear it and it is pounding my head.

A shattered dream I can actually hear but too numb to even feel.

I was once young and undaunted, unafraid to face the world in the hopes of living a dream.

Somewhere I have lost the power to steer the wind that blows the energy that comes with youth.

Somewhere I have stumbled and the fall was too painful I have not forgiven myself.

I was lost and found myself again and ran away.

The cycle was becoming vicious and I lost all control.

I lost the grip but still I held on for my dear life, for the sake of those who do not know me and yet love me unconditionally.

The cloud was too heavy and it followed my every move.

The torch I have been carrying for far too long is crippling me beyond reasons.

Yet, I held on.

I have come to this faraway land, in the hopes of healing and finding myself.

I have not been here too long, and I heard the news that struck a lightning unto that cloud.

The familiarity of it is without a doubt shaking me inside.

I am drowning and I feel like giving up makes it easier.

Yet why does it feel so heavy to give it up?

Is it because I have exerted so much effort and so much time that I forgot who I really am and what I want to be?

But that is who I am and that is what I want to be.

It hurts me that I cannot look pass the pain and try again.

I have reached that stage when I have to make calculated steps with my indecisions.

But in my heart of hearts I can.

If only I can forgive myself. If only I can find the strength to be patient. If only I can.

Sleepwalk

In slumber
fervent and soothing
when hope can seem endless
or otherwise stale,
I find myself awake.

The realities of the waking
are nothing more than that of the dreaming.

Caught in between
with the weight of the pains inside,
I walk the earth with an invisible cane.

And what of the path
narrow and steep,
I must keep walking
for no reason at all.

And I find that crippling beyond all reasons
beyond imagining
beyond all of mind's escapes.

Neverwhere

It is not easy to watch other people live their dreams.

It is even harder living a dream not yours but someone else's.

Looking back, I had a few of my own.

I was younger, undaunted and unafraid.

I had the world on my feet.

Now all I am is nothing but a dreamer.

A wanderlust, a vagabond.

I just cannot seem to touch the ground.

I am hurting that I have failed to live the dreams I have grown to believe are my own.

I hurt even more realizing that dreams are not mine for the dreaming.

The pendulum sways and that is all there is to it.

I am here but I am not there.

I just simply exist.

I envy those who have dreams for dreams keep them going.

and I

am neverwhere.