"...if only to find a reason to wake up everyday...a reason to lose some weight, to put on that red dress, to smile and live another day..."- Requiem For A Dream
What is your reason for a quick fix?
It can be a nicotine fix, sugar fix, caffeine fix, relentless wanting for attention, sexual cravings, even desperation for love.
So as not to feel lonely even for just a while, or to feel good about one's self even for a moment, or maybe in the hope of making it right.
Whatever right means.
Clinical depression is not even considered a disability, it is not even considered terminal, and some people (well for some who do not understand) think that it is just something that one creates, the mind thinks and it is manifested by the body.
What drives you?
What drives you to be on the edge?
I know one thing for sure though, falling does feel like flying oftentimes, and beneath all aspects and all accidents there is the naked will.
Freedom makes you do things others would think as plain insanity.
Others who do not know any difference.
A junkie? maybe, but who isn't?
When you have your quick fix, be it a doughnut, a bar of chocolate, a glass of wine, a bottle of beer, a sleeping pill, a cigarette, or someone you love but you cannot have, how does it make you feel for that one fleeting moment?
Now tell me, are you any different from a junkie?
Most illegal substance have been known as the best anti-depressant in the history of medicine.
It has become illegal because of the abuse.
I wonder why we cannot do the same for refined sugar. It is addictive and it is known to cause diseases like diabetes which has also caused someone dear to me his life, and eventually my dreams.
I have no legal or medical basis for this. I am just a nobody, but I do know one thing for sure, I know what it's like to have a quick fix.
The only difference is that I can admit it to myself, and you don't.
What is your "Requiem For A Dream" story?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"I Do"
Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. Is that why it is also called jumping off?
Yesterday I had the chance to chat and have sugarless coffee with Uncle and Auntie, my landlord and landlady for the next 6 months of my stay here in India. They are such a lovely couple that I had a wishful thinking to add the kind of relationship they have in my wish list.
They showed me pictures of the places they have been around the world, telling me how they have managed to save up to spend for their retirement to lavish the beauty of the places they wanted to see.
As I browsed through the albums of photos from films which they have taken from their instamatic camera (which by the way they refuse to throw away in exchange for a digital one because they said it still serves its purpose), I have noticed Auntie beautifully photographed that I had to ask who took the photos. It was Uncle who took her beautiful photographs that showed her best assets. He brings out the best in her, even on rolls of films.
I wondered if theirs was a love or an arranged marriage.
I dared not to ask.
I did not have to because as I chatted the afternoon away with them, I knew then that it did not matter how it all started. Whether it was love at first, love marriage, or an arranged marriage, because in the end what matters the most is how they have managed to make the marriage work to still end up being together after all these years.
I left them with a smile in my heart knowing something can still go right.
Later in the evening I have received a facebook message from a dear friend about finally getting a divorce. I was shocked to have found out that this what she wanted, but who am I to make my judgments. Still, I am glad to know that she is finally happy and free from the problems that almost brought her to rock bottom.
Today, I got the chance to look at photos of two dear friends from law school who finally made it to saying "I do". Exhibit 1 is out and they finally got hitched. The journey was quite dramatic, having canceled the wedding at the last minute the last time they had planned this wedding, but I have never doubted they would still end up together. Now this one is a classic. True love waits.
Now I wonder what does it take to make that commitment when you say "I do"? How far will you go for that commitment?
I guess the answers will just make things even more complicated than it seems. Maybe, just maybe, the key is to just seize the moment, live for the moment, and be happy while it lasts.
Yesterday I had the chance to chat and have sugarless coffee with Uncle and Auntie, my landlord and landlady for the next 6 months of my stay here in India. They are such a lovely couple that I had a wishful thinking to add the kind of relationship they have in my wish list.
They showed me pictures of the places they have been around the world, telling me how they have managed to save up to spend for their retirement to lavish the beauty of the places they wanted to see.
As I browsed through the albums of photos from films which they have taken from their instamatic camera (which by the way they refuse to throw away in exchange for a digital one because they said it still serves its purpose), I have noticed Auntie beautifully photographed that I had to ask who took the photos. It was Uncle who took her beautiful photographs that showed her best assets. He brings out the best in her, even on rolls of films.
I wondered if theirs was a love or an arranged marriage.
I dared not to ask.
I did not have to because as I chatted the afternoon away with them, I knew then that it did not matter how it all started. Whether it was love at first, love marriage, or an arranged marriage, because in the end what matters the most is how they have managed to make the marriage work to still end up being together after all these years.
I left them with a smile in my heart knowing something can still go right.
Later in the evening I have received a facebook message from a dear friend about finally getting a divorce. I was shocked to have found out that this what she wanted, but who am I to make my judgments. Still, I am glad to know that she is finally happy and free from the problems that almost brought her to rock bottom.
Today, I got the chance to look at photos of two dear friends from law school who finally made it to saying "I do". Exhibit 1 is out and they finally got hitched. The journey was quite dramatic, having canceled the wedding at the last minute the last time they had planned this wedding, but I have never doubted they would still end up together. Now this one is a classic. True love waits.
Now I wonder what does it take to make that commitment when you say "I do"? How far will you go for that commitment?
I guess the answers will just make things even more complicated than it seems. Maybe, just maybe, the key is to just seize the moment, live for the moment, and be happy while it lasts.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Ice Cold Delhi
December 31, 2010
It has been 5 days since my arrival in Delhi for the Christmas holidays and my icy cold fingers seem to feel numb from the constancy of the winter weather.
What is seemingly constant too is my apathetic coldness.
I think and I feel that the most honest compliment I have given myself in recent days is that I am as cold as Delhi.
I have played the scene over and over in my mind but nothing can ever prepare me more than being actually in the moment and living it.
Delhi has proven without a doubt one single painful truth about myself and there is no denying it. I have earned it and up to a certain extent, I deserve it.
As I stared into that moment rewinding my role in my mind, I still fail miserably. It is like my heart has been frozen in time and nothing seems to be able to knock that anvil that locked it away, not even a single forceful warmth of another heart beating next to mine.
A sweep of my hair away from my eyes, a single kiss on my forehead, a feel of my mouth parted in awe, a welcoming embrace, and a kind word. I allowed them to pass uncaringly, recklessly, and regretably painful. No explanation. No particular reason. Just a moment of sheer nothingness and apathy. Cold. Colder than Delhi's winter.
Now I sit quivering in the cold. Numb. Blank. Zeroing down on an empty space in my heart. Ironically though, it feels damn good.
It has been 5 days since my arrival in Delhi for the Christmas holidays and my icy cold fingers seem to feel numb from the constancy of the winter weather.
What is seemingly constant too is my apathetic coldness.
I think and I feel that the most honest compliment I have given myself in recent days is that I am as cold as Delhi.
I have played the scene over and over in my mind but nothing can ever prepare me more than being actually in the moment and living it.
Delhi has proven without a doubt one single painful truth about myself and there is no denying it. I have earned it and up to a certain extent, I deserve it.
As I stared into that moment rewinding my role in my mind, I still fail miserably. It is like my heart has been frozen in time and nothing seems to be able to knock that anvil that locked it away, not even a single forceful warmth of another heart beating next to mine.
A sweep of my hair away from my eyes, a single kiss on my forehead, a feel of my mouth parted in awe, a welcoming embrace, and a kind word. I allowed them to pass uncaringly, recklessly, and regretably painful. No explanation. No particular reason. Just a moment of sheer nothingness and apathy. Cold. Colder than Delhi's winter.
Now I sit quivering in the cold. Numb. Blank. Zeroing down on an empty space in my heart. Ironically though, it feels damn good.
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