December 31, 2010
It has been 5 days since my arrival in Delhi for the Christmas holidays and my icy cold fingers seem to feel numb from the constancy of the winter weather.
What is seemingly constant too is my apathetic coldness.
I think and I feel that the most honest compliment I have given myself in recent days is that I am as cold as Delhi.
I have played the scene over and over in my mind but nothing can ever prepare me more than being actually in the moment and living it.
Delhi has proven without a doubt one single painful truth about myself and there is no denying it. I have earned it and up to a certain extent, I deserve it.
As I stared into that moment rewinding my role in my mind, I still fail miserably. It is like my heart has been frozen in time and nothing seems to be able to knock that anvil that locked it away, not even a single forceful warmth of another heart beating next to mine.
A sweep of my hair away from my eyes, a single kiss on my forehead, a feel of my mouth parted in awe, a welcoming embrace, and a kind word. I allowed them to pass uncaringly, recklessly, and regretably painful. No explanation. No particular reason. Just a moment of sheer nothingness and apathy. Cold. Colder than Delhi's winter.
Now I sit quivering in the cold. Numb. Blank. Zeroing down on an empty space in my heart. Ironically though, it feels damn good.
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