Silence

Sometimes
when misunderstood
and explaining
would only make things worse
maybe
just maybe
silence
would get
the message across.

I have not the heart

If it is a game
then I am not playing
I have not the heart.

If it is a contest
then I give up
I have not the heart.

If it is not mine to keep
then I let go
I have not the heart.

A Breath Away

You are just a breath away
odorless and common,
but something about it
makes me stir a bit,
could be your fiendish laughter
or maybe your thoughtless ability
to make grand of unanimated subjects,
I just could not catch the drift
but it is definitely void of substance.

There is a certain stench
though unpleasant and repulsive,
I find it sweetly bitter
not because I am used to,
but because I am finally free
to smell the difference
to feel what is lacking
to taste the avoidable
and to see beyond the blinds.

I am happy
now that I am a breath away from you,
I have not the allusion
that the way we were
can ever be
the way we will be,
and I find it really ludicrous
that you are just a breath away
yet I am here now a thousand miles away.

Life on A Tight Rope

The cigarette butt is burning and as I inhale the last of its smoke, I saw a brief picture of my life in a minute, capping it off with my present state of mind. It would be easier to just let things be and wallow in misery, because afterall I have tried hard enough and the harder I try the more illusive dreams can be. Sulking becomes a natural reflex cushioned only by the tears shed inside.

Incessantly I continue to run away unbridled by what is constant if only to keep me sane. I count countless herds of sheep before I sleep at night and yet I still cannot seem to rest my mind, and sleep becomes an enemy.

I am reminded of one of my trips to the islands in Tawi-Tawi, sailing on a small motored boat. We paddled when the tide is low, and the “bankero” would only look at the clouds and feel the wind patterns as his guide, and as always, we arrive at our destination without being eaten by sharks or being held hostage by pirates.

If only I can just pray to the sea for signs of my fate, I would journey through life with only the night stars as my guide. I would not mind. But life is not about wishful thinking and what if’s and what could’ve been. Life’s surprises don’t come in pretty wrappings with colorful ribbons they come in unanticipated fashion that can bring out the best and worse in you.

Life is about taking calculated steps on a tight rope balancing in thin air, and there is no looking back. Whether I reach the other end or not solely depend on me. Damn if I do and damn if I don’t.

My Winnie the Pooh Story

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, "Pooh!," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

This quote from the Tao Of Pooh by Benjamin Hoffman has had me all so schmaltzy over and over again. I have memorized it in my mind, and in my heart I long for it. I am incurably sentimental when it comes to friendships and what moves me. I seem to have all the answers for the seemingly endless cries of friends who come to me for an opinion, for words of wisdom, for support both moral and financial, for a companion, for a fan, for an assignment, for a song, for a poem, for a soul, for a shoulder to cry on, for a heart, for a mind.

But when it comes to my own cries, I always end up wiping my tears alone, left with my own thoughts, my anger, my frustrations, my anxiety, my pen and notebook.

I am not complaining. I am merely stating it as a matter of fact. In as much as I want to say it nonchalantly I feel a twinge somewhere deep inside. I cannot help it. I am human too.

It is not a contest. There is no competition of whose problem is bigger, or who's got the most worries. That is not what I mean. I think what I am trying to say is, when you think of me to call upon when you need a friend, think of me too calling upon a friend, whispering a cry almost silently, I am alone and I want to be sure of you.

for joshua

you give strenth when i feel like giving up.

you keep me smiling even when hope seems bleak.

you give me comfort when the world seems cold.

you make me feel everything is going to be alright because you never complained.

you are the sunshine through the rain.

you are my reason for living to keep you alive.

you have held my hand when i wandered around.

please hold my hand now little angel for i am wandering still.

When You're Here

That's when I miss you most.
When you're here.
When you aren't here,
When you're just a ghost from the past,
or a dream from another life,
it's easier then.

kung kelan tahimik ako

you asked me ba't ako hindi nagsasalita
sabi mo pa nga sobrang tahimik ko
pag ako ba nagsalita
makikinig ka?
or do you just want to hear yourself?

i opened my mouth to verbalize it
the what, the why
but i choked on my own words
i can only pretend a smile
to hide my pains away.

if my silence bothers you
engage me in still idleness
maybe you'll catch a tear
maybe you wont
but at least i know
it is my voice you wish to hear.

bakit ganon
kung kailan tahimik ka
saka ka hahanapan ng sasabihin
kung wala ka ng sasabihin
iisipin ang damot mo na.

ask me again how i am
when you are ready to listen
when you can accept the truth
that i too can break and fall
i am not made of bricks
and i am capable of feeling
and i break easily.

ask me again
only this time
say it without words
just hold my hand
perhaps a hug
maybe a pat in the back
a smile
a face.

A broken winged bird

the night seems still but not my heart
i beckon a song
but it slips my tongue
i cannot remember
the last time
i felt deeply restful
when the stars just glow
and the sky is nothing but blue.

from a friend
this i post
to those wanting to know
or plainly just curious
here is what
i wish to share
when no one is there
or simply couldn't care.

The Bird That Couldn't Fly © By Rebecca Bagley

You couldn't understand,even if you tried,the reason that she cries at night,the reason she tries to hide.

Don't try to come close,she'll just push you away,there's something that you don't know,words she couldn't say.

She tries with all her might,to be herself around her friends,but something doesn't feel right,a broken heart that could not mend.

She pretends that she's strong,a tough outer shell,but there's always something wrong,she's trapped in her Hell.

She wants to speak,to tell you all the truth,but she is way too weak,broken without any glue.

Painfully shy;the bird that couldn't fly.Dying on the inside;a body without a mind.

Maybe if you took the time,find the person she tries to be.

Maybe if you looked inside,you'd realize she is me."

It is finished

My life is about chapters
One has closed
and another is closing in.

One is over.

One is finished.

One is so through.

Am I glad?

too soon to tell

But I am relieved.

I was pricked and I bled.

A bandaid called a "friend"

kissed the pain away

and I am healed.

I am relieved.

I am not mad or acting crazy

neither am i really crazy.

I simply choose to be me

and damn it feels so good!

It is finished.

Manang

What makes me happy? you asked after I told you I was sad.

I couldn't think of one.

I was selfish.

I was blinded by my insatiable thirst for the filling for that empty niche inside me that I couldn't see the ugly truth before my very eyes.

I was in denial. I am a fraud. I am a fake.

But not anymore.

Today I think of tomorrow and it will all be over. I cried my last.

I have so much to thank for and you are the icing on the cake.

Manang, words are not enough to thank you for not one second did you let me down. Not for one moment did you give up on me even when I have already given up on myself.

It has been a pleasure and a joy taking this journey with you.

I am eternally grateful for the true friendship you have shown me.

I bit more than I could chew but you were there day by day helping me swallow the morsel of that scattered trust.

Manang I am pleased to tell you that I am happy.

I am happy because it will be over soon and you never let me down.

After tomorrow is a whole new battle for me but whether I am prepared or not, I will face it head on.

I know that I can fall. I can falter. I can stumble. I can cry. I can be me.

Because...

you are there.

gracias manang nuay tu komigo deha.

(for jayne marie)

Jiyanjian Lasa

Jiyanjian lasa
sin bulan masawa
uwayruun da
in bayah di gunahun
kaugun da
usulan ko na sin pagtarusul
manman kalupahan
sakit sin pangatayan
muramurahan
in kamu magkasilasa
makalawag kasanyangan iban guna

Bang sawpama in suratan ta lasa
uway na guna
unu pa in pus niya
masi da man ako lumasa?

Blinded

To dare is to bare it all.
An old familiar sting nipped me inside
Slowly tearing what’s left of the bruise
Three hundred sixty five days and over
Frittered away and I am back
Ending it from the beginning
I try to fall asleep
In the hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this seems to drift away
They disappear as reality come crashing to the floor
I am blind and I couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
Chanced upon the rapids and dared to toss the pride
Like the sand upon the shores
I remain still
After all this years
I never thought we’d be here
Right where it all started
And yet again the old familiar twinge beckons
Like an old familiar friend
(April 3rd 2007)

One of Damned Days

There will be days when you get home from a party and forget what the fun was about, or have a very long, intimate conversation with someone yet you feel there are still words left unspoken, or embrace your special someone and never have the strength to say how much you care. Indeed, life tells us that happiness is never absolute.

One day you will meet the person almost perfect for you, promises exchanged and the devotion showed seemed tireless, and yet there will be a day when you find yourself standing in the pit of nothingness and the love of your life is gone, preferring the arms of someone else because yours became too familiar.

Then there will be days when you stop crying for the one that left you and mourn for the one that got away. Wondering what could have been had you waited long enough or had you found the courage to take your chances.

Then there are those days when you have finally decided you have cried enough and mourning is over, that you find yourself laughing again. You start meeting people and there will be one who will stand out from the rest. One who is not the one you hope to be intimate with because your expectations are not met, and yet, you flush when he smiles at you, you laugh at his lousy jokes, you giggle at his clumsiness when he tries to please you, and you miss him the minute he is not before your very eyes.

These are the kind of days when you cannot seem to care and just be happy in the moment. Quiet times just holding hands or hugging each other in the middle of nowhere, not minding the time nor caring for the age.

But like any ordinary days, it must come to an end. As the sun comes to set in the horizon so must you realize that nothing is absolute. It pains you to know that just when you have finally found your one chance to be happy in love again, you must let go for reasons greater than love itself.

Life tells us that happiness is never absolute, so while it is there, seize the moment and damn caution, because it may never come again.

(April 16, 2007, Tumindao, Sitangkai)

Point of View

Sometimes late at night, when it’s too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all or at least in anything beautiful.

I believe in change because it is permanent.
I believe in pain because it is sometimes physical.
I believe in anger because it can consume you.
I believe in friends because it’s not fun to have a good time alone.
I believe in dreams because it makes you go on even when it falters the very essence of living for the moment.
But I am not sure I can believe in either love or trust.
I could not understand these two things that most people build their dreams on.

Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love. But love shouldn’t die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine (like saying "I love you" for instance), love does die. When love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it isn’t beautiful anymore.

As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal isn’t far behind. For every failed judgment we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?". It is difficult to keep mum and not ask every question so as not to break the trust, only to realize too late that something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?

I have seen people disappointed over unfulfilling relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, and yet we feel something is lacking.

I think all people have at one point in their lives experienced the painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can’t be reversed.

Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grip you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn’t love you back.

Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood. Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It’s like trying to cross a tightrope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous! Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time.

Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There’s a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that there is a sign somewhere to show it isn’t hopeless. In desperation, they can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.

How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human too!

"Why won’t he or she love me? What is wrong with me?", scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal। Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can’t always expect others to love them back। Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.

There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I won’t delude you into thinking that if he or she can’t love you back, he or she is not worth it. In fact, believe that this person is. That he or she is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, and the embarrassment. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason.

We are all part of a circle. If you love her/him and she/he loves someone else, just think of whom you’re hurting by loving her/him. It’s a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?

I know we can love deeply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love and I have felt such love myself. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to value their time together.

I used to ask myself where the love between थिस person and I had gone. Maybe it’s because we forgot that we are the ones who make it. Love was not out there. It was somewhere between us and we failed to see it. People really do change. Our hurtful and infantile arguments illustrated how we, instead of looking for love, looked for flaws instead. That instead of finding reasons to love deeper, we found reasons to drift away. We spent the relationship struggling to change each other’s minds and realized it a little too late.

We must accept the realities around the circumstances and learn to accept different points of view. थिस person became my eye-opener. But at least I was made to believe in love and trust. I have felt so much pain during ठाट relationship. It was hard to accept that I have loved someone who stopped loving me.

Now, I couldn’t help but ask myself why I no longer believe in love and trust. Why can’t I give myself a chance to be in love again? Maybe I’m just too scared. Or perhaps, maybe because I have been waiting for a perfect moment, a perfect someone, and a perfect me. Maybe because I have always felt that beliefs ought to be perfect.

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, loving without being loved back is the best thing to do because feeling so much pain, I learn to heal; knowing so much fear, I learn to stand up, carrying so much sadness, I learn to glorify in joy.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we’re always learning, discovering and growing. Lastly, this may be a cliché but there is someone who is right for you (and maybe for me), and even if she/he is not, he/she would still be right because loving doesn’t make sense until you accept it and make it real.

Call It That...

Your scream
left a wilt
on my soul
with a pain
destined to last
a thousand nights.

I shall no-I will
never forget
I will seek
for the salve
to relief
my anguish.

But I fear
it will be futile
for I know
only your touch
can heal the scars
of our wasted friendship.

If that is all it was.